Dear Landon,

Landon,

I can't tell you how excited it makes me, that God knew just want I needed when he created you . He knew what kind of personality you needed, and your mannerism. He knew just what would fit perfectly with your dad and I.  I love that he  has already planned the path that we are going to travel with you, he knows the exciting times and the trials that will come our way! I'm so thankful for you!

 For a long time I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a mom. I was scared and I was selfish! I was scared that we wouldn’t be financially able to take care of a baby. I was selfish because I didn’t want to share your daddy with anyone else.I wanted it to be just your dad and I forever! Your dad on the other hand longed for a family, he loved children, he couldn't wait to have a family of his own. We talked about it often, but being scared to death I never let it go more then just  casual talk.

I will never forget November and December 2008. I was at work, I had been having some issues with my body that weren’t normal, things that had been going on for a little over 2 months. A co-worker suggested that I may be pregnant!!!??? WHAT NO WAY!!!?? I didn’t feel pregnant. I  just shrugged it off for a few more weeks. Then came more abnormalities. The same co- worker said Heather go take a test your pregnant. So I did, and I was. Oh My Gosh the emotions that went over me, the happiness and the fullness of my heart was unexplainable. I'm going to be a mom, Oh My Gosh I'm going to be a mom!!!  I was soooooo excited to tell your dad, I couldn’t wait to tell the whole world that I was going to be a mom!!! I wrapped the little pregnancy test  up in a box, and gave it to your dad when he got home form work! His face and his expressions were priceless. I had to explain to him what he was looking at. Jon your going to be a dad!!!! We are going to be parents!  (December 2nd 2008)

The next few days were probably the roughest days of my life. I started  having really painful cramps. I thought ,Ok this probably isn't normal.  I called the Dr. to set up my first OB apt and to make sure the cramping was normal. They assured me that I was going to be fine and my first apt would be Jan 15th. That seemed so far away. Because of my job  I was able to check my hcg level . The first test was great and I was right on track for how far along I thought I was. whooooooooo what a relief!!!! Landon I have never been so worried in my entire life. The next day the cramping had gotten worse and bleeding had started. I refused , absolutely refused to believe that any thing was wrong, there was NO away I was having a miscarriage. Again because I could, I drew my blood . Ill  never forget the look my on co-workers face when she told me that my hcg had dropped. My heart stopped and I ached all over. Telling your dad that we were losing the baby was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I tried my best to remain positive to keep a happy face. I talked myself into believing that it really wasn't happening, I needed everyone to be ok with it so I could believe  that it was ok myself.

The pain of losing the baby ate away at me little by little, It wasn't until about a week later that it really hit me, I had lost a baby.How in the world could I love  something sooo much and only  knew that it existed for a few days.   What could I have done differently,how could I have avoided this, will I ever have the chance to be pregnant again? I questioned myself to death. I was scared, I was sad. I soon learned that having a miscarriage was not at all uncommon. That some of my friends had already experienced this, I learned that I was not alone. Landon we had so many people praying for us, and reaching out to us. After a few weeks I finally came to peace that God had other plans for that baby, and he had other plans for your dad and I. He was preparing our hearts for what was next. I love you my sweet baby boy!

I love you Infinity!!

Mom

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